Mr Darcy Named One of the 12 Sexiest Men Who Never Lived

The Naked and the Dead

Neva Chonin
Sunday, November 26, 2006

"There is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous."

Were I to concoct such a collection, I'd have to start with the fictional and the dead. The sexiest men are invariably not of this earth. Therefore, to keep us all awake during this long post-Thanksgiving weekend, I offer a few lists, beginning with:

The 12 Sexiest Men Who Were Never Alive

Chris Keller (serial killer, "Oz"): He had his faults. For starters, he broke his boyfriend's arms and legs. He ruined a nun. Still, he was the sultriest man-slut ever to sashay through a maximum-security prison, and all he wanted was a little love, and murder. But let's not quibble.

Lucius Malfoy ("Harry Potter" villain): As portrayed by Jason Isaacs, he's a bigot and a snob, and he could pass for a drag queen in the wrong light. My nomination as the coolest blond since Jean Harlow.

Mr. Spock (Vulcan, "Star Trek"): Spock's emotional distance and logician's mind were just ... like ... whoa. Did I mention he came into heat only every seven years? Pon faar, baby. I'd hit that.

Silva Vacarro (predator, "Baby Doll"): Fifty years after it was released, "Baby Doll" still contains one of the most erotic seductions on film, thanks to Eli Wallach's performance as Silva, a predatory entrepreneur with his eye on a rival's child bride (Carroll Baker). Words fail me; just rent the movie, and wait for the scene on the swing.

Heathcliff (antihero, "Wuthering Heights"): Tall, dark, handsome, tormented. Wronged by the woman he loved and bent on revenge at any cost. Merciless. In sum, perfection.

Mr. Darcy (smoldering elitist, "Pride and Prejudice"): In print or onscreen, this one's a no-brainer. Nastiness redeemed is an aphrodisiac.

Darth Maul (Sith, "Star Wars"): Bad teeth. Full-body tattoos. Moved like a cat. Died young. Met his end at the hands of Ewan McGregor after a martial-arts duel that played like a lethal ballet. Dude.

Totoro (animated forest spirit, Hayao Miyazaki's "My Neighbor Totoro"): He's not really a man; he's more a giant, furry Blob of Cute, but he can fly. He belongs in the sky. We could belong to each other.

Atticus Finch (decency incarnate, "To Kill a Mockingbird"): In the book, he's admirable; in the movie, portrayed by Gregory Peck, he's an unstoppable engine of carnal righteousness.

Haldir (Elf warrior, "The Lord of the Rings"): He battled Orcs while keeping every hair in place. Oh, baby, oh mine.

Gob Bluth (son, "Arrested Development"): It's pronounced "Jobe." I can't explain this one.

Sherlock Holmes (sleuth): He knew everything, and harbored his own sexual and moral mysteries.

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Pester Neva at nchonin@sfchronicle.com.